The Expendables: A Movie Review

Action stars in the early 90′s give you the thrill of your life as they portray mercenaries out to kill bad guys and rescuing fair maidens along the way. The novelty of watching these ensemble of action stars in this film is what drove us (me, my husband and a couple of friends) to watch the movie and here’s what we think about it.

Warning: I will be posting spoilers so if you want to watch it first, you might want to stop reading now.

I have to admit, I have reservations about watching it since I thought that it would be like an over-budgeted B movie. Some of the action stars aren’t as popular today as they were before, and it seemed to me only Mickey Rourke is well known at the moment because for his portrayal as the villain in the Iron Man 2 movie.

So, the story goes like this: a group of mercenaries (Stallone et al) is hired to kill someone or a group of people. Along the way we get a glimpse of their life story, as little as it may be. And that’s all of it.

So what do you expect in a movie that is co-written, produced, directed and starred by Sylvester Stallone? Let me tell you: an unadulterated action packed movie that you will surely enjoy regardless of all the cliches it throws at you.

As I mentioned earlier, the story is simple but I enjoyed it because despite the serious tone of the trailers, the movie is as funny as hell.

After watching the movie, we discussed about its scenes and we concluded that the movie reminds us of early Filipino Action movies like Sa Kuko ng Agila (In the Eagle’s Claws) or Maging Sino Ka Man (Whoever You Are).  Eventually, we decided to collect our own team of Filipino action stars and cast them according to the awesome factor the originals have.  So here is our own Pinoy ensemble if we made our version of the Expendables:

Mickey Rourke as Tool will be portrayed by Joseph Estrada (Erap)

This is the perfect role for Erap (Joseph Estrada). Why? Let me tell you. Portraying Tool is like portraying a cameo character with a lot more air time. I can’t imagine Erap doing the action scenes now and be flexible about it. He’s better off tattooing other characters in the movie and chucking out Erap jokes.

Sylvester Stallone as Barney Ross will be portrayed by the late Fernando Poe Jr. (FPJ)

Speaking of tattoo, Sylvestre’s character is the only one who actually got a tattoo from Tool. He is the leader of the pack and willing to risk anything just to finish a job. FPJ (Fernando Poe Jr.) is the ideal actor who has the charm and the leadership qualities that any action movie should have, not to mention a couple of fists that would make ‘ol Rocky jealous.

Jason Statham as Lee Christmas will be portrayed by Robin Padilla

Here comes a character who’s got a lot of personal background scenes a.k.a. his love life. When action and love life mix, the first person whom we thought of was Robin Padilla. The charm, the appeal to women, and being a martyr to the woman that they love. It would be better if there are more than one woman involve with him but I guess the movie didn’t want to promote polygamous relationships.

Jet Li as Yin Yang will be portrayed by Monsour Del Rosario

Getting a Filipino to act as the Asian cast of the movie is a little hard since most of the action stars in our country likes to use guns instead of their fists. So we have to really crack our brains open and try to figure out who would suit Jet Li’s character. Then Monsour Del Rosario pops up and we decided that it’s best we leave it to him to be cast as the cliche Asian.

Yin Yang’s character really made me laugh as he tried to explain that he works more than the other members of the team since he’s smaller but faster. It was entertaining as he tried to ask for more money over and over again.

Terry Crews as Hale Caesar will be portrayed by Lito Lapid

The only purpose of giving Hale Ceasar to Lito Lapid is when we laughed at how Barney Ross instructed him to throw the warhead to the helicopter and he will shoot it to detonate. It reminded us of a film of Lito Lapid that he used a bolo to split the bullet and kill two enemies coming his way. And yes, it’s IMPOSSIBLE to achieve any of the aforementioned feats.

Dolph Lundgren as Gunnar Jensen will be portrayed by Bembol Roco

Dolph Lungren’s character is tougher than the rest of them, mainly because we wanted an action star who would betray the protagonists. Who would be perfect for that character anyways? Oh, it’s Bembol Roco — he portrayed the protagonist and antagonists in different movies and he has the charisma as a good guy and bad guy as well.

Randy Couture as Toll Road will be portrayed by the late Rudy Fernandez

Don’t ask. We want Rudy Fernandez included since he’s an icon action star in the Philippines, we don’t want him to feel left out since he deserves to be included in the list. Unfortunately, the only free character that we haven’t decided is Toll Road. At least he doesn’t have cauliflower ears.

Bruce Willis as Mr. Church will be portrayed by Phillip Salvador

Phillip Salvador is an action star who is past his limits already, so a cameo would suffice for him. Mr. Church is the perfect candidate since he only needs to stand in a church and instruct both Barney Ross and Trench.

Arnold Schwarzenegger as Trench will be portrayed by Ramon Revilla Sr.

Do I need to explain this? Well, we were supposed to put Bong Revilla in here but we thought it’s better to put his father instead. Ramon Revilla is more iconic than his son and who wouldn’t want to see Phillip Salvador, Ramon Revilla and FPJ under one roof.

Gisele Itié as Sandra will be portrayed by Leah Salonga

Of course, it wouldn’t be fair if we only cast the men’s roles, so we included the only woman in the movie: Sandra. For that, we cast world-renowned Leah Salonga for the part. At least now, if the Expendibles decided to go to musical, we already have the character prepped up already.

Now for the antagonists:

David Zayas as General Garza will be portrayed by Pacquito Diaz

General Garzas is one of the antagonists of the movie and lucky for use he has a mustache which reminded us of Pacquito Diaz. Nobody could foget Pacquito Diaz as the ultimate bad guy and will undermine the protagonist even if it’s the last thing he would do.

Steve Austin as Dan Paine will be portrayed by Max Laurel

Now for Steve Austin, we had a hard time choosing between Jimmy Santos and Max Laurel. But Max Laurel presented more as the bad guy (hey, he was a god in Zuma and kills people) and Jimmy Santos is more of a Bondying. I can’t imagine Jimmy Santos fighting like a wrestler although he’s big enough for it.

Eric Roberts as James Munroe will be portrayed by Eddie Garcia

And the ultimate bad guy in our book is none other than Eddie Garcia. Even if he’s old right now, he still plays the bad guy roles with amazing accuracy. He also cleans up well like Eric Roberts in the movie, and we can just totally imagine him as a cop turned bad.

The fight scenes between characters are amazing and fluid. Unfortunately, all those bone-cracking sounds is driving me nuts, as if I can feel every bone that cracked on the assault. There is also gore in it, but not so much as to really put the movie in the gore category. The special effects really made the gore life-like and believable.

The lines are serious but most of the time its peppered with comedic one liners as all characters make fun of themselves one way or the other. Watching them interact with one another is entertaining as hell.

My only disappointment is when Tool explained his experience of trying to get back his soul after killing so many people in his time in the Expendibles. Despite being the turning point of the movie, I find it boring and the crying is making me feel awkward. I felt that they should’ve made it into something else rather than a one-on-one talk with Barney in a tattoo parlor.

Overall, the movie is a good past time that will make you laugh as the cast is making fun of themselves. It also has nice special effects and awesome fighting techniques that will entertain you until the end. There is no kissing scene either, which to me makes it a really manly-man movie.

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